Getting permission to photograph a McDonald's menu board is simple and easy.
1. Call McDonald's headquarters back East and ask for Denise. She'll help you.
2. Send a letter of intent to the CEO with a $300 processing fee. This will be paid back to you in an installment plan over the next six years.
3. You will receive a letter from the CEO. This is to be signed by twelve attorneys and mailed back with a $600 processing fee. This is non-refundable.
4. Mail the letter back. Within 4-6 months a McDonald's Photography Approval Team will be sent to your home. This team consists of eight highly-trained experts who will stay at your home and train you through an intensive twelve-week course. You will be required to pay their living expenses. If you do not pass with 100%, you will have to take the course again.
5. Congratulations, you passed the course! Now it is time to go back East to McDonald's headquarters to meet with our CEO, Ray Kroc III. He will determine your fitness through a stimulating series of exercises. (This would be the time for a bribe.) If you pass, you are to go home and not leave the house or shower for two weeks. This is to show that you are serious. See, we get a lot of hooligans who like to jerk us around, so we have to make sure that you are serious.
6. Upon final approval, a team of highly trained commandos will be sent to your home without prior notice. You will be escorted to a predetermined McDonald's location. You will be allowed one non-flash photograph of the menu board. If you do not adhere to our guidelines, you will be sent to the McDonald's Super Happy Re-education camp in Siberia. You'll love it there.
Everyone chomping down.
Half and half.
Gleaming globules, gratefully glopped, grinningly onto your hamburger.
Here it comes.
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